After a great Mother’s Day with my kiddos and super husband, I am sitting alone, in the corner of a coffee shop just up the street from our house. The first time I came here was a little over two years ago. We came down to visit the seminary for a review weekend. My husband was being interviewed and doing various personality tests and inventories to find out if he was suitable for the program. I was about three months pregnant and so not in the mood to uproot and move to a new state and give him to a seminary for two years. Two years… that seemed like such a long time… a huge chunk of our lives.
They had a “spouses” question and answer time during the review weekend. After informing us spouses that we would basically be living as single parents for the next two years and we would do best go get a Netflix subscription and prepare to watch a lot of movies alone, they sent us on our way and told us that there was a coffee house down the road where we could hang out if we wanted until our spouses were finished for the night.
One of the other wives and I decided to head on over. I remember sitting there that night, listening to her talk about all the reasons she didn’t want her husband to enter this program and what it would mean for her family. I remember that it was February and 85 degrees outside. I was not looking forward to Central Florida heat. I remember knowing, deep down, that my husband would get accepted to the program. We would uproot and move… again… for the fourth time in four years. As I listened to this other spouse talking, I started making mental checklists of all the things that would have to be done in order for us to move… gather packing boxes, change our address, set up playdates for the kids so they could say good- bye to their friends and I could say good-bye to mine. A two year program seemed like an eternity to me. Especially because we didn’t have any plans for when it would be over… we still don’t by the way.
When we moved down, we didn’t have internet. My husband was off at school making new friends, starting new and exciting things, connecting with people and I was home with two, almost three children and no internet… no way to feel connected to the life I just left. No facebook to look at pictures and see what people had been up to… no blog access… no email. I felt so alone.
Once a week or so, I would take my pregnant self to the coffee house where I am sitting now. I would soak up every email, every facebook post, every ounce of connection I could feel to other people. I would come here to escape reality and long for a place where we no longer were. I didn’t want to move on. I didn’t want to accept my new reality.
I  eventually did move on. I eventually began to connect with those around me. The kids made new friends and got to see the ones we left when we went back to visit. I made new friends. I saw my husband thriving as he was learning new things. I think I grew a little in the process… I don’t know… I’m still trying to figure that one out.
I haven’t been to the coffee house in a while. I haven’t needed to. However, my husband gave me a gift card to here for Christmas and I figured I better come and use it before we move on once again. It’s been two years. It didn’t take as long as I thought. We don’t know where we are going or what we will be doing. But, the sun will come up tomorrow. Graduation will happen in a couple of weeks. The lease on the house we are renting will come up in July.  My husband will find a job and we’ll move on once again. I am SO glad that this earth is not the end. I cannot wait until I am securely planted in heaven and all my needs for security and stability will be fulfilled completely by Jesus. Sure.. he is my all sufficiency even now… but my sin is constantly clouding my vision and realization of his all sufficiency. One day… one day I will see face to face and it will all be clear!

Confessions of A Seminary Wife- Coffee House Reflections

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