Can I still call myself a seminary wife now that he has graduated? We still live a mile from the seminary. He still works for the school. We are still waiting for the Lord to reveal the next step. Although I am not completely removed from the seminary, I thought I’d share some reflections from experiences I had during our first year here.
Two years ago this week, the kids and I packed up our belongings and hit the road to meet my husband in our new home. He had come down two weeks earlier to set up the house and start looking for a job before summer classes began. I was about 32 weeks pregnant and not worth anything for moving boxes. I was frustrated, confused and oh so sad to be leaving the place we had been calling home. We had only been there for a little over two years, but had made some great friendships. I had established myself and had built a strong support system. Even though the business my husband was working for was crumbling and he was miserable in his job, I was mad that I was being taken out of my comfort zone once again. I was thinking about myself. I blamed it on the kids… oh, I would say… oh, this move will be so hard on them… they will struggle so much because they are leaving their friends behind. I blamed it on my pregnancy… I’ll never find a good doctor. Insurance will be a nightmare. I blamed it on so much, but really… my feelings had been hurt and I didn’t want to start over again.
Time went on, classes started, he got a job, the baby came, the kids started making friends. We attended a weekly playgroup with our church… maybe it was hormones, maybe it was the air I put off, but I was so lonely and just couldn’t seem to connect with anyone. Our church was filled with young families. Our kids played together… but I just couldn’t seem to make any friends. I was so lonely. My world was so small and filled with small people who needed me. It was all I could do to get out of bed in the mornings.
My husband was in school, making friends, living his dream. I suppose I was happy for him. I don’t really know. I was barely functioning at home. I was desperate for fellowship that I just couldn’t seem to find. I couldn’t bring myself to pray or read my Bible. I just wrapped myself up in pity and survived each day.
I was so desperate for contact with other people that I would get excited when door to door sales people would come. I actually looked forward to the ten to fifteen times a day our neighbors would knock on the door to borrow (or steal) my phone, food, money, anything (but that’s another story for another day). I just wanted someone to call my friend.
Sidenote: My husband is a GREAT husband. He did not neglect me or the kids during this time. He made time for us, he worked, he went to school… I don’t know how he did it all. He was there… but in my selfishness, I didn’t see him.
During our second summer here, things began to change. I finally acknowledged my hurt and anger and resentment out loud to my husband and to the Lord. I didn’t know what good it would do, but once it was all out in the open, my heart began to soften. I stopped spinning my own wheels trying to “fix” myself and began to let the Lord’s healing hand work on my heart. I still resisted. I still resented. But slowly, I think that has mostly melted away. The Lord brought sweet friends into my life who encouraged me greatly and taught me about living in community together. My kids have made sweet friendships as well that have taught them to pray for one another and live in community.
We are getting ready to move again. We may or may not be moving back to where we used to live. We might just move somewhere new… where we don’t know anyone… where we will be starting over again. I don’t want to experience despair again. I don’t want to experience loneliness and bitterness. I am praying that I am stronger now… that I am wiser and that I am ready.