In one of my last confessions of a seminary wife, I confessed that I know lonely. I expressed at that time that I wasn’t sure where we’d be moving, what we’d be doing, etc upon the completion of my husband’s time in seminary. At that time, he had a job offer in the city we had most recently lived in. We would have been moving back to a community where we were already established. We wouldn’t have had to “church shop” or go through the friend making stage. It was all there. I had a feeling though, that it wasn’t going to work out quite so easily… that just doesn’t seem to be how we roll.

And it didn’t. We moved to a new town where we only know two people who are much younger than us and don’t have kids. We moved to a new town… away, but not too far away from family and friends… far enough though that we can’t just pop in for a visit whenever we want. I was ready to tackle the new place. I was ready to not let loneliness kick me in the tail. I was not going to sink into the depression that gripped me when we moved to seminary… I was doing okay… but I think… somewhere in the last week… I lost the upper hand.

That old familiar feeling of purposelessness and loneliness is creeping up all around me. We live out in the sticks. The roads are not safe for walking on. My husband’s car broke down and we only have one working car now.. that he has to use for work. The kids and I are home… all day, most days. There is a homeschool community in the town we live in. They offer tons of great stuff… that we just can’t be a part of because we don’t have a car… it’s hard to make friends and build community this way.

My world is once again small and filled with small people who need me. They can’t take care of themselves fully… they absolutely need me and all I want to do is pull the covers over my head and shut out everything. I want to fast forward a few months to a time when we are finally established… in community… with friends and playdates and prayerfully, another working car.

I’ve tried to keep my chin up… be a good sport… go with the flow. I knew that the loneliness was sinking in when I went to the OB GYN last week and found myself pouring out my heart to the nurse midwife. And then I knew when I went back this week that I needed more community than just her when the office staff and nurse didn’t even remember me and asked if I’d been there before… ouch. I need friends. I also knew the loneliness was coming when our thirteen year old neighbor knocked on the door selling candy for his school and I bought some because I didn’t want him to be mad at me.

I know this too shall pass. I know things will get better… it’s just not happening fast enough for me. Am I going to learn from the last three big moves our family made? Am I stronger and wiser now? I hope so. The sun comes up each morning. My children wake up raring and ready to go. My husband has work to go to.. I can’t hide away. I want to live and enjoy… not just survive.

That Old Familiar Feeling

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