We have hit the ground running this year. Three kids doing school and a toddler in tow. I regularly help with children’s ministry at our church. I’ve joined the board of directors of our local homeschool association. I am over all the activities for the year like picnics, craft days, parties and such. I also just picked up a very part time job doing graphic design for The Old Schoolhouse magazine. And… did I mention that we just found out that our landlords have decided NOT to renew our lease for the coming year. Our lease that runs out in a week. We are motivatedly house hunting. We’ve seen so many houses. Unfortunately, many of them have mold and mildew that have made me sick. Because, you know, I have an autoimmune disease and therefore a compromised immune system.
People say to me all the time that they don’t know how I do all the things I do. Truth is, I’m afraid NOT to do all the things I do. I’m afraid that if I don’t keep busy, I’ll just stop. I’ll just crawl in bed, pull the covers up and shut out the world. I have been in the deep side of depression and I feel it’s pull to come back, often. Keeping myself busy and in community, keeps me sane.
But, I think, just maybe… I’ve finally bitten off more than I can chew. Something is going to break… and I think it’s going to be me… which is not necessarily a bad thing. As long as I can remember, I’ve been independent and a do it myself kind of girl. My two year old has started an extreme “I can do it myself phase.” It’s almost painful to watch. She struggles to pull her shirt over her head and get her arms in. The shirt is twisted and inside out and her poor little face is red by the time she is done. If only she would let me help her… not do it for her, but help her. Things would go so much better.
How like my two year old I am. I struggle and twist and turn and get red faced and determined and by golly, I get the job done! But how much unnecessary energy I spend in the process. Take this house thing. I am not sleeping at night. I said when we started that I was not worried. I knew that God had the right house for us. I knew that it was already taken care of. Several days of house looking later, that truth remains, but I seem to have forgotten. I am not sleeping, I am scheming and worrying and exhausted trying to figure out details that are well beyond my control.
I am breaking… physically… I am tired and cranky. I have dark circles under my eyes. My body is fatigued. Emotionally… I feel like I might cry at the drop of a hat. Spiritually… I cannot do this myself, as much as I want to… I absolutely cannot. I am breaking. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I need to be in that place of brokenness where I realize that my efforts might result in the job done, but not the job done well. I can only accomplish this crazy season with a strength that is not my own. That is really, really hard for me. I do not like being dependent. I do not like being vulnerable. I am so much like my two year old, it is scary.
I know this season will pass. I want to be able to look back and see God’s hand in the journey… not my hand swatting him away and screaming, “I DO IT MYSELF” (in my best two year old voice).